Two years ago in a studio not far away.... J.J. "Jar-Jar" Abrams rebooted yet another franchise with "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." It's Disney's cynical ripoff of the original 1977 "Star Wars" plot, but it has a spherical R2-D2, an angsty, millennial Darth Vader with a slightly different lightsaber and a female Luke Skywalker. All of these decisions were unquestionably made in order to manipulate a whole new generation of children into begging their parents into purchasing a bunch of plastic toys made from earth-destroying chemicals (who needs the Death Star?).
Daisy Ridley plays Rey, a character whose family abandoned her as a child on the desert planet of Jakku without even a last name. At the beginning of the movie, she's selling space junk for scraps of bread, but, by the end of the movie, she's inexplicably beating up a 6'2" lifelong warrior who knows all kinds of Dark Side tricks and was trained as a Jedi Knight by Luke Skywalker himself.
Adam Driver plays Kylo Ren — Han Solo and Princess Leia's tantrum-throwing, Darth Vader wannabe of a son. He has somehow managed to become a high-ranking official in an evil interstellar organization known as The First Order, despite the fact that he demonstrates total incompetence in everything he does.
John Boyega plays Finn, a Stormtrooper who defects from The First Order after he is asked to massacre a village on his first mission. This was actually an interesting introduction to this new character, but the movie never even slightly develops him and instead merely makes him Rey's sidekick and occasional cheesy comic relief.
Oscar Issac, the highly-accomplished, Juilliard-trained actor who should have been nominated for an Oscar for his role in "Ex Machina," plays Poe Dameron, a happy-go-lucky resistance fighter pilot who spends most of his screen time making bad quips while flying around and blowing stuff up.
Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hammill, Peter Mayhew and Anthony Daniels play old Han Solo, old Princess Leia, old Luke Skywalker, old Chewbacca and old C-3PO respectively.
Join us as we wonder why the humans in this movie have either American, English or Scottish accents, what "force-sensitive" actually means, and whether the First Order's ships have toilets.
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This episode is sponsored by Ingrate & Barrel.