Episode 59 - Jurassic World

"Your [filmmakers] were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." –Dr. Ian Malcolm

The fourth installment of the "Jurassic Park" franchise from 2015, "Jurassic World," is yet another mediocre sequel to the original 1993 masterpiece. The story is unoriginal, the characters are annoying cartoons and the special effects aren't even as realistic as the first one, despite 22 years of CGI advancement.

Chris Pratt plays Owen Grady, a former Navy dude who now trains attack Velociraptors for a super shady Blackwater-esque organization, but somehow he is shocked that his employers have plans to use the raptors for exactly what he trained them to do.

Bryce Dallas Howard plays Claire Dearing, the Jurassic World Operations Manager who somehow directly oversees every single aspect of how the park runs, including genetic development and security, but after disaster strikes, we find out that she has virtually no knowledge of many of her areas of responsibility.

Vincent D'Onofrio plays Vic Hoskins, a stereotypical militaristic bad guy character who brazenly uses Claire's accidental unleashing of a genetically-engineered super raptor in order to field test Chris Pratt’s raptors.

B.D. Wong plays Dr. Henry Wu, a geneticist who worked at the original Jurassic Park and is now inexplicably a villain bent on creating murderous super dinos FOR NO REASON.

Irrfan Khan plays Simon Masrani, a Richard Branson-esque billionaire playboy who took over the dinosaur park business after John Hammond's death.

Jake Johnson and Lauren Lapkus play grating employees in the park's control room who make viewers of the film want to claw their own eyes out and deafen themselves.

Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins play the Mitchell boys, two moron kids who repeatedly disobey Jurassic World's rules and land themselves in extreme danger. As far as we're concerned, these two should have been left to die for their misdeeds. 

Judy Greer plays mama Mitchell, an emotional wreck who ships her kids off to Jurassic World under the supervision of her estranged sister while she secretly divorces her uber douchey husband. 

Join us as we discuss the best prison wines, which movies starred Bryce Dallas Howard or Jessica Chastain, and why the Margaritaville restaurant chain sucks. 

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This episode is sponsored by Phase Out Buddy.