The 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger action-comedy smash hit and cultural sensation "Kindergarten Cop" reminds us that this kid's movie mainly loved by teenagers shouldn't be revisited by adults.
Its giant plot holes (larger than the holes Arnold's reckless cop character wouldn't mind leaving in any drug addict unwilling to get out of the way of his tricked-out shotgun) get force-filled with a huge helping of heart (as Arnold falls in love and misses his estranged son that we or he never see) and are about as big as Arnold's partner's hilariously large appetite (because she's small, get it?). The comedy menu we're given here basically largely consists of "mean man who hates everyone has to deal with children" and daily specials akin to the show "Kids Say the Darndest Things."
Seemingly weeks pass in this three-day plot because we get a lot of montages where Arnold marches these little kids like a drill sergeant in order to whip them into shape, and oddly, somehow this makes them love him instantly.
Arnold plays Detective John Kimble (a cop, you idiot!), who goes undercover (while weirdly using his real name) as a kindergarten teacher to find out who all the kids' daddies are and also learn what they do.
This is because a notorious drug dealer named Cullen Crisp (played by Richard Tyson) has recently learned the whereabouts of his ex-wife and child and plans to go find them when he gets out of jail.
Penelope Ann Miller plays both the on-the-run ex-wife of the bad guy and Arnold's love interest. She works at the school he's scoping out, because apparently small towns don't ask any questions or check references.
Arnold's food-loving partner is played by Pamela Reed. And that's her whole character: she's Arnold's partner and she loves food.
There's also a principal character played by Oscar-winner Linda Hunt who is suspicious of Arnold being a teacher and hopes he'll soon quit, even though she knows from the get-go that he's an undercover cop who will only be staying a few days.
Join us as we discuss how dumb the and dangerous the police heroes of this movie are, our thoughts on the honor bar in hotels and reminisce about those old Arnold soundboards people used for prank calls back in the day.
This episode is sponsored by Bravo's "The Real Stay-at-Home Dads of Boise."